The KP News MKR Special!
by Ohgodno
Summary: Take one resident of Cephiro, give them their own column in a newspaper and what do you get? The Cephirian Observer! Parodies, slight crossovers, slight OOC so sorry! and just gerneral weirdness!


The K.P. News MKR Special

Disclaimer: I do not own Magic Knight Rayearth of its characters. I don't own X, Digimon, Harry Potter, Lord of The Rings, CLAMP Campus Detectives, Revolutionary Girl Utena, Ah! My Goddess, Sailor Moon, MTV, The Osbournes, and infact I don't own ANYTHING! Ok!

Yeah, I'm working with manga here, so that means Presea and Eagle are alive, but I inserted the Anime evil woman person Debonair because, I need a bad guy XD; Has never seen the second series

P.S. I mean no offence to ANYONE! Please don't hate me and all flames shall be used to toast marshmallows.  
  
P.P.S Se if you can guess who's writing this D Major hint at the bottom, chickens!

NEWS FLASH! NEWS FLASH! NEWS FLASH!

The World's favourite newspaper, The K.P. News, is going inter-planetarian! (The Word 'Inter-Planetarian' can be found in the 'K.P. News Dictionary' now for sale for only £14.99 – Other currencies accepted – visit for details.) We are now also published in four countries in this other World. They are Cephiro, Autozam, Fahren and Chizeta. In celebration of this event, the Earth-Edition of The K.P. News will now be including a column involving the activities and going-on's in this shiny new World.

Stay tuned for the next edition.

K.P. NEWS PRESENTS TO YOU: THE CEPHIRIAN OBSERVER

Bought to you by Miss C. (Whose name can not be revealed for legal reasons)

Our resident Prince Ferio and his sweetheart, Fuu are said to be getting married next year. The wedding photos will be sold to HI! Magazine. ALL RIGHT! Magazine are said to have offered a million gold coins for the photos but were turned down.

Animal Cruelty Agencies have been on the phone to Umi, the Blue Magic Knight, for abusing and attempting to eat the rabbit-like creature, Mokona. Umi refused to make a comment on this but her agent released the statement that, 'Mokona is not an animal, thus these Animal Cruelty guys can ' It was at this moment that the creature in question bounced onto the Agent's head and bounced back off.

Harry Potter has been recently shocked by the news that he is infact the Love-child of Lord Voldemort and Debonair. This revelation came out as Lord Voldemort confessed 'Harry, I am your father, and Debonair here, is your mother. And My father is the Almighty Sauron." It is allegedly said that Harry is even more disturbed to learn that he has a 'sister'. Namely, Nova, who with her Mother, tried to take over Cephiro earlier this year.

Mokona was considering having a son, a son that would take the punishment of all mankind... Mokona was also considering letting his winged friend, Primera to be the mother. Primera was allegedly shocked by this and flew off to her beloved Lantis for protection. Mokona was then quickly forced to change his mind as the Religious group known as the Christians threatened the Marshmallow-y, Rabbit-like, Holy Creator with a lawsuit. Mokona released this statement, 'Puu puu puu puu!! Puu puu puu puu. Puu puu. Puu puu puu. Puu!' Mokona then went off to annoy the hell out of the residents of the Palace.

In other news, the West Wing of the Palace today was destroyed as Court Summoner, Ascot summoned one of his 'friends' whilst still inside the building. Ascot has been forced to pay for all construction work to repair this mess. Also, the Palu has been spotted with the elusive Mokona-bashing Umi. This goes against all rumours of Umi being in a serious relationship with the Guru. We were not able to get a statement form the Guru on these rumours.

Zazu Torque is said to be taking Geo Metric, sub-commander of the NSX to court after the mysterious disappearence of his alcohol stash. "They are empty bottles! I swear! I swear to drunk I'm not God!" was the comment from Zazu, before he passed out on the floor and was carried off by alleged bottle-napper Geo. Geo angrily said 'I didn't steal no bottles. It was that great thief!" Little does Geo know, the Great Thief is merely a net-legend. Detective, Nokoru Imonoyama is in charge of this case, along with comrades Suoh and Akira. "I only came on to this job, as I was told that this Zazu was female... He is not. However, I might as well look for these alcohol bottles. Mr. Torque has a lot of female friends." Nokoru then ran off as Pharle Presea walked by.

Presea is said to be in a relationship with the Guru, which proves that the rumours that Clef and Umi were in a serious relationship were just rumours. This also emphasises on the rumours circulating Umi and her relationship with Bal Ascot.

Twins, Tatra and Tarta are opening their own teas-rooms all around Cephiro and it's neighbouring countries. This was in competition with Umi's bakeries, which had to close down after speculation on whether the mallow in the products could have been Mokona. Despite the fact Mokona was seen earlier that day attempting to eat Primera.

Guru Clef has been reported to have sold his horn on eBay. The horn, which has adorned The Guru's head for many years, was finally gotten rid-of. The Horn was sold earlier this week for several thousand Canadian Dollars to a mad, rabid Fan from Canada, namely a certain Takara J. When asked why she wanted this horn so much she replied "Oh! I do love that Guru so much! He's so cute and oh how I love him " Guru Clef has been said to have replaced his horn with a more subtle diamond thing and replace his white robes for black. Could this be a new gothic Clef coming out? Stayed tuned for details.

The Magic Knights are said to be in the process in sueing Kamui Shirou and his 'friends', The Dragons of Heaven and The Dragons of Earth, for destroying Tokyo Tower. Hikaru, the red Magic Knight angrily said "That tower is the only way we can get to and from Cephiro. How are we supposed to get home if there is no Tower!?" The Magic knights insist that Kamui & co. rebuild the Tower and explain to the Magic Knight's families why they won't be home in time for tea. Mean while the Magic Knights are stuck in Cephiro.

In music news, Lady Asuka of Fahren has decided to pursue her dreams as an idol singer. When asked, the Princess replied "Ohohoho! I've always wanted to be an idol singer. Sanyun here is my biggest fan!" Lady Asuka's debut "Koi no Time Limit" went straight to Number 48 in the Japanese charts. Only to be beaten by Mokona's "Mokona's Garden" Which went straight to Number 1. Mokona is soon to be doing a song with the Magic Knights. Fuu, spokesperson of the Magic Knights says "With our vocals and Mokona's good looks. We're sure to get that Number 1 spot!" Determined not to be defeated by his fiancé, Prince Ferio has formed his own boy band consisting of himself, Guru Clef, Bal Ascot, Kailu Lantis and Eagle Vision. They are undecided on what the name of the group should be. Ferio commented that 'We are sure to do better than the Magic Knights and Mokona, for we are bishounen... Girls like bishounen.' Whether Ferio's interesting theory is correct, only time will tell.

Earlier this week, Cephiro was visited by the Chosen Children. The Chosen Children who were chosen to save the Digital World were said to be confused and were then attacked by one of the many creatures of Cephiro. They were done for as none of them had their trusty digimon friends with them. Leader Taichi Yagami said 'This sure ain't the Digital World...' Before the twelve young children fled towards the palace. Only to be greeted by three hormonal teenagers. Spokesperson, Fuu said "It was Yamato Ishida! Of the Teen-Age Wolves! Oh my god! Wait! How did they get here anyway? Kamui still hasn't rebuilt Tokyo Tower yet!" The blond singer and his friends were then thrown out of the Palace by envious Prince Ferio.

In theatrical news, The Magic Knights were ecstatic to reveal their latest project "Magic Knight Rayearth: The Musical" The Magic Knights will be directing the musical themselves. There is speculation on whether this musical is a rip-off of Miss Moon's musicals. Sailor Moon herself released this statement 'I can't believe they stole my idea! We're the only anime series who has a musical!' Miss Moon was then later shocked to discover that the Revolutionary Girl Utena has her very own musical too. The rehearsals started today, only for Zazu to learn that his actor was in fact an actress. 'What are they trying to imply?!" was all he could say before he passed out again. Sadly, the musical rehearsals where interupted by Ferio and his band's own rendition of "Macho Man"

Talent Scout Chang Ang, who had been in the business since last week, was so impressed by their version of the Disco classic; he gave Ferio and his band (still nameless) a record deal. They are due to enter the Charts, the same week The Magic Knights and Mokona's "Mokona Ondo de Pupupu no Pu" and Lady Asuka's cover of the hit "I will survive". Who will get Number 1.? Who knows?

The CSPCFF (Cephirian Society of Prevention of Cruelty to Flying Fish) are apparently taking Guru Clef to court, for forcing the poor fish to catch three girls from falling at tremendous speeds. A Spokesman from CSPCFF claims 'Catching the three girls is not good for the Fish's back, it could cause long term back problems' The CSPCFF are trying to take the fish in question, named Fyula away from Clef and find it a better home. The Guru is said to be standing for his Flying-Fish Ownership rights.

The Green Magic Knight is taking Smeagol/Gollum to court after the creature, person, thing stole Fuu's engagement ring, calling it, it's 'preciousss' all whilst stroking the Ring in Question. Hobbit Frodo Baggins was called to the scene 'We're doing all we can to get this Ring off Gollum. Luckily it is not The One Ring, so everything will be ok' Frodo and his hobbit friends aided with Legolas the Super-elf, Gimli, Gandalf the White and several other Ring experts, chased Smeagol around Cephiro and have not yet caught him.

The music chart results are in, coming in at Number 20 is Ferio and his band (Who are still nameless) with "Macho Man", next to them at Number 19 is the Magic Knights and Mokona with "Mokona Ondo de Pupupu no Pu". Whilst all the way at Number 2 is Lady Asuka and "I will survive". The Teen-Age Wolves with "Hitori Bocchi No See-Saw" got to number 1.

Formally orphaned, Harry Potter was in for another shock today as he learnt that MTV were making a mocumentary on his family. The New Sit-com "The Dark Evil-Over Lords" starring Harry Potter, Lord Voldemort, The Dark Master Sauron, Debonair and Nova, is set to be bigger than "The Osbournes". The Prince of Darkness, himself said this 'Funny, you should mention that. Lord Voldemort is my Uncle' The new series shall hit the airwaves next Summer.

Earlier today, Primera admitted that she will be marrying Mokona later this year. Their photos are being sold to Deities Monthly, which cause another lover's tiff as ALL RIGHT! Magazine is Primera's favourite. To emphasis this Primera is said to be having a one-sided affair with Kailu Lantis. Not that he noticed or anything.

Eagle and Kailu Lantis are said to be having Utena-style duels over their Rose Bride, I mean Hikaru 'For The Power to Revolutionise the World!" Claimed the Kailu. Meanwhile Hikaru made this comment 'GET ME OUT OF THIS ROSE BRIDE DRESS!" before running off to stop Lantis from killing Eagle.

In television news, Clef has been seen advertising coffee products in Japan. "Coffee A Go Go!" The ready to drink, coffee in a can which contains unhealthy amounts of caffeine. Since then, Clef has been seen looking nervous and twitchy around the Palace. His alleged girlfriend, Pharle Presea had this to say 'He's just not my Clef, I mean the Clef, I used to know. Caffeine and Gurus don't mix... And I am not Clef's Girlfriend!" Just before she was whisked away by Nokoru Imonoyama, who is still looking for Zazu's bottles.

In Hollywood news, teenage star, Rosie Helliwell is said to be sponsoring the Magic Knights musical, yet she won't be appearing in the musical. Her agent said 'It was never her dream to become a Broadway Musical star. But we can tell you Rosie's childhood friend shall be in the musical, starring as Zazu Torque!' Ms. Helliwell who stars in the current Hollywood hit 'Ah! My Goddess: The live action film' as the Goddess Belldandy, was then escorted from the Palace of Cephiro by her three detectives-come-bodyguards, who still haven't found Zazu's alcohol stash.

Zazu's alcohol stash has been found! The story of these missing bottle's, whose story has gripped our nation, were found yesterday in England, in what seems to be a secret underground building. The four culprits who we cannot name for legal reasons, who are only known as Mr. A, Miss L, Mr. P and Miss J, were found passed-out and were arrested on scene. They were later released that evening as there was no-proof. Naturally, when the bottles were found, Zazu was the first to know. When he heard the news, Zazu was described as ecstatic, and says, '....Hello...?' before passing out for the umpteenth time. Detective Nokoru Imonoyama, who handled the case from the beginning, commented, 'I'm glad it's over, I guess. This has been one the most interesting cases we've ever handled.' Zazu's charges against Geo Metric were also dropped.

In other news, Lafarga is wonderful, isn't he?  
  
Are you freightened? Good, you should be. So Read and Review, if you like...


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